Guys and Dolls and Mutants, Oh My!
by dragonchic
Summary: REVISED. Bored thanks to a lull in mutant activity, HEAT makes a friendly wager over which gender is superior. Rated for mild language. [On Hiatus]


**Disclaimer**: Godzilla the series is property of Sony, while the G-Man himself is property of Toho. Monopoly is property of Parker Brothers. I ain't making any money off this so don't sue me.

**Category**: Comedy, hints at one romance but nothing big.

**Rating**: PG for some mild language.

**Comments**: I took a look at this fic again after three years and realized I found it amusing and had ideas for where to take it. So I retitled it and set out to improve upon what made me cringe. This chapter has undergone some significant revisions, mostly for characterization. Overall, I think it's much improved, although that's to be expected, since I'd hope I'd improve as a writer after three years. :o)

Guys and Dolls and Mutants, Oh My!

Chapter One: Anything You Can Do...

"Ha! I have two houses on Baltic Avenue! You owe me $70."

"Okay okay, just a sec."

"Alright! I am rolling in the moolah!"

"But Randy, Baltic Avenue is, sadly enough, the most valuable property you own. Even when we have to pay rent I don't see how this and your other properties will keep you out of psuedo-bankruptcy."

"Mind putting that in English Dr. C?"

"He means you're screwed."

"Thanks for the translation jefe."

"Anytime. Whose turn is it?"

"Mine."

"Fine, here are the dice."

"Come on Water Works...hmm, I got a seven."

"Yeah, Marvin Gardens! C'mon Randy, pay up."

"Aw Nick, couldn't you find it in the goodness of your heart to let me go, just this once?"

"No."

"Damn."

"Randy, you probably wanna mortgage the few lots you own to get some quick cash. Looking at property values I would-HEY! What the heck are you doing?"

"It's a simple solution, not that your mortgaging idea was bad Doc. I need money. So I'm getting it."

"You can't just take money out of the bank!"

"Mendel Mendel Mendel, when will you learn? What I'm doing here is obvious. I'm robbing the bank. Now that that's done, I believe it's your turn Nick."

"YOU CAN'T ROB THE BANK!"

"I'm gonna have to agree with Mendel on this one Randy."

"Oh c'mon Nick, you're supposed to be on my team."

"What teams? We're playing Monopoly, there aren't any teams."

"PUT THE MONEY BACK RANDY!"

"Calm down Doc."

"YOU CAN'T ROB THE BANK – IT'S CHEATING!"

"Niiiiiiiick be on my team, Mendel is going postal on me."

"This is Monopoly, it's every man for himself, no teams."

"Hmph, that's the last time I'm gonna be on your team."

"...Ok whatever Randy, just put the money back in the bank."

"No, both of you have hotels on every piece of property you own. I can't afford to pay you, so I'm robbing the bank."

"But it's against the rules!"

"Doesn't say you can't in the rule book Mendel."

"BECAUSE NO ONE WOULD THINK OF SOMETHING SO STUPID!"

"Cool down Grampa, before you have a heart attack."

"What the- GRAMPA?!? That's it, if you can rob the bank, then I'm robbing you!"

"Hey you can't do that! C'mon Nick, you're on my team, back me up here!"

"There are no teams!"

"Oh that's it man, I'm sick of your disloyalty to the team! I'm robbing you!"

"You can't rob me, and for the last time, THERE ARE NO TEAMS!"

"I'm robbing whoever I want, including FORMER team members!"

"Oh yeah? Well I just took all the houses and hotels and put them on Marvin Gardens. You now owe me 177,000 dollars!"

"Like hell I do..."

* * *

Elsie Chapman walked into the den of HEAT headquarters to witness a rather interesting sight.

Mendel was trying to grab fake money out of Randy's grasp, yelling that he was the police and Randy had to Go to Jail. Meanwhile Randy and Nick were arguing about some "team". Randy was calling Nick a traitor, while Nick was saying that the team never existed in the first place. An amused smile crept up the redhead's lips.

"Dr. Chapman, did you get the-" Monique Dupre was cut short by Elsie gesturing for her to be quiet. Monique looked at her curiously then looked past Elsie. Her eyes widened when she saw Mendel try to whack Randy with the game board. Unfortunately for Mendel, Randy ducked, making the robotist miss and smack the team leader in the face.

Elsie finally decided to make her presence made by loudly clearing her throat. The guys looked up and saw Elsie and Monique standing there, smiles tugging at the corners of their lips.

All three guys immediately stood up and searched their heads for an explanation on what the heck they were doing. Elsie beat them too it by remarking "Only a group of men wouldn't be able to play a simple game of Monopoly without getting into a brawl."

"We could too," Randy said, coming to their defense. "We just had a slight disagreement."

Elsie raised an eyebrow. "About what?"

"Randy robbed the bank," Nick supplied.

"And Nick pulled a Benedict Arnold for the team."

"There. Are. No. Teams," Nick growled, his patience already worn thin.

Monique interrupted before Randy had time to yell a retort. "Robbing the bank? Teams in Monopoly?" She shook her head. "Only the male mind would come up with something so idiotic."

"Told you there aren't any teams," Nick whispered to Randy, who responded by sticking out his tongue.

"I'd say the maturity level between you two is approaching six years old." Elsie commented.

"Hey stop bashing us," Mendel protested. "Men and women are equals."

"Equals?" Monique asked. "Please."

"What? Who says we aren't equal?" Randy inquired.

Elsie smirked. "If men did women's jobs, the human race wouldn't last three seconds."

"Women's jobs?" Nick asked. "Aren't you a feminist?"

"A man pregnant. Think about it."

"Hey! We are perfectly capable of doing anything a woman could do," Mendel claimed.

"Wanna bet?" Elsie scoffed.

"Sure," Randy said. Everyone turned to look at him. "Excuse me?" Monique asked.

"A bet," Randy stated. "We could hold a little contest to see which gender is better."

"And how exactly would we do that?" Monique questioned dryly.

"We'll have two teams, the guys versus the girls. And there shall be no traitors," Randy added casting a sideways glance at Nick, who rolled his eyes. He continued, "Each team would assign jobs to each member of the other team. Like Elsie could make me cook something, and I could make her build a treehouse." Everyone was now giving Randy their full attention, which he was enjoying. "So? What do ya think?"

"I'm in," Elsie immediately replied. "This'll be fun."

"But I don't think the teams are even," Randy said warily. "I mean, they have Monique. She's well...like a guy. We should get a handicap for that."

"Well you have Mendel," Elsie replied.

"HEY!"

"Ah point taken."

"WHY YOU-"

"I'm sure they're just joking Mendel," Nick interrupted, sending a warning glance Elsie and Randy's way. "And I'm not so sure about this bet. In case you haven't noticed we're the best line of defense against wayward mutations that have a nasty habit of popping up in rather inconvenient locations. In other words, this team has better things to do."

"Aw, but jefe, we're in the middle of a dry spell here," Randy argued. "Not much to do but scrape barnacles off the HEATSEEKER – not that I'm volunteering," the hacker added quickly.

"Randy and I engaged in a friendly wager during a mission," Monique supplied. "It did not interfere with our duties."

"Yeah Nick," Elsie added, "this is just for fun. Team bonding if you will."

Nick's gaze wandered to his left, at the only member who hadn't really put his two cents in yet. "We haven't heard your input, have we Mendel?"

The blond squirmed as three other gazes focused on him. Brown eyes locked with a green pair that held an expectant twinkle. Cursing his own will that suddenly seemed to crumble, Mendel mumbled acceptance.

That left Nick who, incidentally, had the greatest say. The brunette chewed his lower lip. If he didn't want this to happen then he could just say so and that'd be the end of that. Then again, Randy and Elsie would probably resent him for being a party pooper. Though he was the boss, so to a certain extent that was his job.

But Randy was right, wasn't he? Aside from his "son", any aggressive mutants out there had been keeping a low profile of late. And he'd been running out of substantial work for the team to do in the meantime. Godzilla had been testy and rather averse to any sort of scientific observation that was in the least bit invasive of his personal space, not to mention his body. The lack of new mutations also put a damper on possibilities for experimental analysis. And this bet didn't sound that bad...

Sighing, Nick relented. "Alright, we can go ahead and do this, but at the first sign of trouble, the entire thing is off. That could mean fending off a mutation OR the bet itself getting out of hand. Am I clear?"

"Crystal, boss-man," Randy replied, before pulling both Nick and Mendel into the next room. "Now if you'd excuse us ladies, we've got some planning to do."

* * *

"Cooking and sewing," Elsie mumbled, chewing on a pen. "We need one more."

"Child Care," Monique replied, thinking back to a certain encounter with regenerating hydras.

Elsie smiled. "Good one French Fry." She leaned back in her chair and looked over their notes. A confident smirk decorated her features. "This bet is as good as ours."

Monique nodded. "I am having trouble imagining any of them doing what we have planned."

Elsie agreed. "But we better be on our toes for what they throw at us. Those guys could probably be evil geniuses when teamed up. Who's knows what they're concocting in there," she said, eyes wandering over to the closed door to the rec room.

-----Meanwhile, with the "evil geniuses" concocting their master plan------

"So Nick, Mendel, any ideas on what we should do?"

"Nope."

"Not a clue."

Randy sighed. "Oh come on, if we don't think of something good we'll lose the bet!"

Mendel glared at Randy. "Well I wasn't the one who opened their big mouth and came up with this whole bet thing in the first place."

Nick tried to be the voice of reason. "Calm down guys, if we don't work together we'll never win this."

Staring bitterly at Nick, Randy simply said, "So is this how it is. As soon as Mendel joins the team you're suddenly back on our side? I see how you are now."

"Oh that is IT!" Nick exclaimed, finally losing his tenuous grasp on patience. "God, if I hear you mention the "team" ONE more time I'll-"

"You'll what? Bring it on baby!"

"ENOUGH!"

Nick and Randy stopped arguing and looked at Mendel, surprised looks gracing their features. The chubby, normally tentative scientist was now red in the face with frustration. "Stop arguing! We are going NOWHERE right now! We are going to lose to those two women unless we band together to kick their butts!"

Randy and Nick exchanged quick glances. "Don't you have a crush on Elsie or something?" Nick timidly ventured.

"What? No I mean yeah wait no uh not anymore I mean uh where did you hear that?"

Nick just pointed to Randy. He shrugged. "Yeah, I clued him in back when he was part of the-"

"Don't say it Randy," Nick growled.

Randy was about to retaliate, when he got a glare from Mendel that would've made Dirty Harry cry. "We have to put aside any personal feelings we might harbor for those girls, or any small grudges we might be holding against each other, and work together to win this bet!" Nick and Randy looked at each other, then reluctantly nodded. Mendel smiled. "Good let's get to work. We are going to have them fix a car and set up a complete entertainment center. Randy, you browse through ads in the newspaper and find a cheap entertainment armoire of sorts for the TV and DVD player and some wiring for the sound system." Making sure Randy did as told, Mendel then turned to Nick. "Ok Nick, you took a cab here right?"

"Yeah," Nick replied. "So?"

"Well go get your truck, wherever it is. I have to create a problem with it that will be one of the girl's challenge to fix."

Nick scowled. "You think I'm going to let you just create a problem with my truck?"

"Yeah," Randy laughed, "that piece of crap has enough on its own."

A quick glance at blue eyes that suddenly flared dangerously was reason enough for Mendel to step in. "Um, well then, I guess I'll have one of them do some general work on the truck to get it in better shape. Is that ok Nick?"

Staring pointedly at Mendel, Nick simply said, "If ANYTHING happens to my truck, I'm holding you personally responsible."

Chuckling nervously, Mendel nodded. How much damage could one of those girls do to it anyway?

* * *

"Y'all ready for this?"

Elsie crossed her arms across her chest and glared at Randy. "Don't worry Randy, this bet is as good as ours."

"Oh really?"

"Ok let's skip the formalities and just get this over with," Nick interrupted. He was already starting to get a headache from this whole bet thing. Plus his arms were sore from helping lug the huge entertainment center Randy had bought around headquarters looking for a hiding place big enough to fit the packaged beast.

Elsie smirked. "You're the boss." She pulled two slips of paper out of her pocket. "Nick, Mendel. These are for you."

Randy responded by handing a grubby napkin to Monique. "And this is for you, m'lady."

Monique looked at him with a disgusted look on her face. "What is this?"

"Oh ummm...we couldn't find any paper."

Elsie rolled her eyes. "C'mon Frenchy, let's start beating these sorry excuses for men."

Mendel bristled. "I resent that remark."

Winking at him, Elsie said, "I think you mean you resemble it hun," before smirking and following Monique through the door.

Randy let out a deep breath. "Ok guys, what did you get."

"Prepare a full dinner for the team, appetizers and dessert included," Mendel read, frowning over Elsie's parting remark.

"Ok, you can do that, I think. What did you get Nick?"

"Sew two dresses. We'll give you money for the fabric, get anything else you need on your own."

Randy visibly paled, er, pale for him at least. "Please tell me you know SOMETHING about sewing."

Nodding slowly, Nick replied, "My mom always made me take those Home Ec classes in high school. I think I can do this. But I'll need your help."

Mendel smiled. "Sure Nick. We're a _team_," he stated, casting a glance at Randy. "As a team we have to work together to win this. So we'll be happy to help."

-------Two days later...at about, oh let's say 5PM-------

"Um Nick?"

"Mmmph?" Nick mumbled, his mouth full of pins.

"Remember when I said that as a team, we'd always help each other out?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Well um...this isn't exactly what I had in mind."

Nick stood up and removed all the pins from his mouth. "Is there a problem Mendel?"

Mendel shifted self-consciously in the pastel floral print dress he was modeling. "Why am I wearing this?"

"I told you Mendel, I need someone to model this dress so I can get all the dimensions right, hem it, etc. And you don't have to worry about looking stupid." Nick smiled mischievously. "Brings out the color of your eyes."

"Really, you think?" Mendel asked, turning to look in the mirror. "I really thought it made my hips look fat and-wait a minute, HEY!"

Nick laughed. "Just bear with me for a little while longer. Randy's doing this too, so you don't have to worry about blackmail."

"Ok..." Mendel agreed reluctantly. He shifted uncomfortably, yet again. "Um Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Is this Wonderbra REALLY necessary?"

"For the last time, YES!"

* * *

Monique felt like screaming in frustration as the mess of plywood in front of her came tumbling down, yet again. Why was this happening? She was following the instructions perfectly, wasn't she? Skimming over them again, she picked up a screwdriver and set back to work.

Picking up two pieces of the ugly brown furniture, Monique made a face. Whoever picked this color had no taste. Sighing, she felt around the scattered pieces for some screws. Finding enough, she quickly fitted the two pieces together. Setting them down, she set to work on two more pieces, then two other pieces, and so on.

Later...

Monique stood up and admired her progress. Pairs of pieces were scattered all over the rec room. She lifted two pairs up, and attempted to fit them together. They didn't. Monique then attempted to fit the same piece with every single pair she had in front of her. Frowning, she realized that none of them easily fit. Setting her features in a scowl, she picked a piece near her foot up. If they didn't want to fit by themselves, she make 'em fit...

* * *

"Ow! You pricked me!"

"Sorry."

"Ugh Nick, that's the twentieth time!"

"No, it's the seventh."

Mendel sighed. "Could you at least be more careful?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah yeah, I'm almost done. Hey have you seen Randy?"

Mendel shook his head. "I thought he was supposed to be modeling too."

Rolling his eyes, Nick replied, "He's supposed to be. I sent him off to try on the dress an hour ago. Where is he?" As if on cue, a voice floated down from the top of the stairs.

"The best thing about being a woman..."

Nick and Mendel froze and stared at each other. What the-?

"Is the prerogative to have a little fun and..." Randy stood at the top of the stairs, in his dress, crooning out Shania Twain. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Bouncing down the steps two at a time, he twirled around. "Oh oh oh, go totally crazy! Forget I'm a lady!" Grabbing a petrified Mendel he began to dance around the room. "Men's shirts short skirts! Oh oh oh really go wild-yeah doing it in style!" Releasing Mendel, he grabbed a pair of scissors and began to sing into them. "Oh oh oh, get in the action! Feel the attraction! Color my hair do what I dare! Oh oh oh I wanna be free yeah, to feel the way I feel!" He came to a stop and flung his arms around Nick and Mendel's shoulders. "Man! I feel like a woman!"

Mendel sucked in a breath. "Oh. My. God."

Randy twirled again and batted his eyelashes. "So, what do ya fellas think? Is it me?"

Nick tried to take a logical approach to the "unique" situation. "Randy..." he began. "Remember what I told you about that coffee ice cream?"

Randy grinned. "Oh come on, this isn't as bad as I thought it would be." He turned in the mirror and made a face. "Although you really do have to work on that fashion sense jefe...this fabric is hideous."

Nick looked over the bright purple posey print on Randy's dress and shrugged. "Elsie didn't give me enough money. It barely covered this cheap fabric. So the price range didn't give me much of a choice. It was either this or pink and blue sequins. Besides," Nick said, studying the fabric, "it's not that bad."

Exchanging a look with Mendel, Randy ignored Nick's assessment of the floral abomination and instead focused on the alternative. "Sequins huh?" Randy said thoughtfully. A small smile came across his lips. "Ooh, retro..."

Shaking his head, Nick returned to finishing up with Mendel, who had finally started to relax. He was almost done. Still, he continued to check the doorway every so often. If Elsie saw him like this...dear God he'd never live it down. She'd laugh her head off and-hey, what was that smell? Mendel sniffed the air. "Nick do you smell that?"

Nick paused. "Yeah..." he began. "What is it?" he asked, just as his eyes wandered over to Randy and realization dawned on him. "Why are you wearing perfume?"

-------To Be Continued-------

Huh, so that's it for now. I think the revisions turned out quite well, and I'm mapping out the rest of the fic. Expect an update in the future. I absolutely adore this show and its characters, but that doesn't mean I can't have some fun with em. :o)


End file.
